The familiarity is making me cringe.

It does you no good.

So why do we still need love? relationship?

I need to stop. Until I find someone worth the troubles, the heartaches, the time, and the effort.

On a side note, I have a paper in less than 8 hours time and I can’t even get to sleep.

Maybe one should not expect too much on a birthday.
Time and time again, the idea of birthday has caused me more hurt than good.

Maybe I should just treat 15th Oct like any other random day.
It’ll save me many negative emotions.

Thanks.
Luckily, I am sort of used to this already.
So shame on you.

It is true that only the best gets the best?

Oh well.

Enough of envy game.

This, is just a passing phase.
It will be over in time to come.
Endure.

Confidence. Where are you?

Vivian lim, where are you? You’ve been missing for quite sometime.
Please return when you see this because I don’t think I can stand any longer without you.

Sincerely,
Me.

Envy is a a self-destruction tool.
Trying my best but there are times (and probably many of it) where I wish I was someone else.

Unhealthy.

“There is no greatest sin than not knowing yourself and being yourself” – J

Some day back a good friend of mine told me something meaningful.

“There’ll always be someone better than you. So there’s no point comparing. What’s important is that you try your best every single time.”

—————————————————————————————
On a separate note, I would want to end this post with this,
“Would you rather choose to be loved or love someone?”

It’s night like this when you reflect and wish that life was easier.

A school of dream, success, and prestige.
A place where many people aim to go.
A place filled with praise and compliments when mentioned.
A school that elicit envious remarks.

I have done it, made it, achieved it.
But sometimes I ask myself.
Am I really….. happy?
And there are times when I go..
What am I doing? Is this what.. I want? 

Ironic that I am thinking twice about an option that people (maybe me even, before being here) would die for.
Ironic that what you want is not what you get.
That’s just life.

I have no courage to be different.
Although I sometimes desperately want to be a non-conformist.
There’s too much at stake.
I want to feel alive in this place.
I want to feel happy and meaningful again.

———————————————————————————————————-
On such a night where the it’s cold and comfortable,
Don’t you just wish to snuggle beside someone?

Sometimes solitude creeps in.
So badly that I want to scream.
But I hide the fears away,
because good things don’t come in a day.

“You got to learn to be happy on your own” 

There are a lot of setbacks. It’s really not easy.
But I must and I will continue to press hard on this journey of self-growth and self-discovery.

Sometimes I wonder how could anyone be so unreasonable and ridiculous?
Especially when it’s someone who you’re suppose to show care and concern to?

I don’t understand how you could just make life so miserable and difficult for people around you.
Maybe you don’t see it.
Or maybe like how they say it, you don’t care because you were never involved in taking care of us
And you’ve never invested any strong emotional bonds that is forged during those processes.
Is that why you are capable of the many cruel things that I can hardly comprehend?

You know, I have tried to love you.
I have tried to view the world from your perspective and find reasons for your actions.
Why must you always make it so difficult?
We are not your trashing bag nor your toys which doesn’t feel anything when you “treat” them in accordance to your mood.

And all you can threaten us with is money.
It’s really depressing and ironical that all is left between us and you is monetary benefits.
And that makes me wonder what would become of us
when we’re financially independent and no longer under your “control”.
What worse is that you don’t really care/know, whichever it is
that this is the only thing that’s left. Nothing more.

I hate it. I hate how we are trapped.
I hate that I have no way to escape and eliminate this feeling.
I want to break free.
I hate to fucking think of alternative when you are having a bad day and we become victims of it.

Why can’t you just fucking fucking realized that our relationship could improve if you just stop for a minute and think for us more than yourself.

Do you know how it feels to constantly tell myself to come to terms with this and accept that this is the life I am given?
It’s not that I have not tried to make things better or think of ways to improve things.
But somehow, it just doesn’t work because you are you. 

“Sometimes you just got to come to terms with things that dig that you. Otherwise, you’ll just go crazy.”

The process of coming to terms is always very painful.
It hurts with the same piercing intensity.
And I wonder, how long more can I take it?