Endless Miserable Obsession.

Im trying hard
not to cry over you
because every tear is one more reminder that

I don’t know how to let you go.

 

 

what’s best for us is what’s hardest to do.

love is the hardest habit to break.

Enough.

我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我

 
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续

这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣

 
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹

这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心

放弃爱你

tears shed enough,
heart broken many times
and now its time to say
goodbye.

the wrong time

today marks the day i’ve been waiting for soooo long,
the end of my examiniation.
in the midst of all the muggings and moodswings,
i imagined to celebrate today like a mad women
and just couldn’t wait for it to happen.

but today when it happened,
i didn’t felt as much as i thought i would.
its pretty empty in there.

there’s just something bugging me,
i don’t feel free at all.
i hope it is due to the lack of sleep.

i want this feeling to stay away from me,
as far as possible.

 

and i know, i know it too well.
i know that escaping isn’t the way that is gonna help.
but i just cant help escaping.
i don’t know what else to do other than

escape.

the dark road

Perfect
Pathetic

 

It’s weird.
both words start with a P
but they are a world apart.

 

 

I bet you wouldn’t care if I don’t
and it probably didn’t pain you as much as it did to me.

Yes you could say its assumptions here.
but nothing was done to prove it wrong either.

 

There is a saying that

‘every time you gained something, be prepared to lose something else.’

 

But why is it that I always have to lose and lose
when I never had to gain something fully?
is that what you call fair?
and is that how life works?

Oh its funny isn’t it,
because by now, I should already be used to it.

 

But im sorry to say, no I hadn’t.

I still believe that miracles exist and that
sometime life isn’t treating me that bad afterall.

But Vivian, you knew it all along,
you know and experience has taught us or at least me that,
when everything is going great, something will go wrong.

 

But you see, how many times have I told you that I just don’t learn?

 

 

 

 

Social exchange theory has told us that we are born to minimize cost and maximize profit.
In order to feel balanced and to maintain good relationship,
one should never be over benefitting, neither should it be under benefitting.

 

And here’s the problem.

I feel under benefitted.
and that is how you explain why im feeling the way I am feeling right now.

 

So commonsense tells you to stop giving so much
so that you will not expect as much in return.
but the thing is, 
I don’t know how.
I don’t know how to take things halfway.
To give not my fullest, but half of it and retain the other half.

 

I don’t have that heart made of metal.
I’m not like you.
And yes again, i might be overgeneralizing.
Maybe it’s hard for you too.
but if it is, it makes it more difficult for me to understand.
Okay maybe some parts of me do.

 

So, what is the solution?

 

 

I spent quite some time thinking about this.
but the ironic thing is,
i havent got an answer.
I just spend my time going in circles over and over again
praying that i might see the light.

 

But,
maybe,
just maybe,

 

there isnt an answer afterall.

 

and now i will get my confused mind into bed
and we’ll see how it goes.
maybe let’s just take,
one step at a time.

 

 

Or can you offer me a better solution?

 

 

contradicting

still not in the best of mood,
but in terms of study,
this is my final lap.

TML IS MY LAST PAPER!!!!
what else could be better than that?

hahaha,
wait for my coolio pictures and news.

because its time for CELEBRATION SOON!
we are about 13 hours away from it!

one FINAL push,
here i go,
back to studying.

Too much thoughts tonight to pen them down into proper sentences.
I found myself at this crossroad, again and again.

I need a little more luck to get me by this time round.

little black book.

when in times of desperation and confusion,
who will be there for you?

who will show empathy and understand how you feel?
who will give you advice and show you the way?
who will be the light and guide you through?

in times of need and pain,
who will be there to ease your pain and heal your wounds?
who would hug you tightly to ensure that you are protected?
who?

 

where will this path leads to?
i see the dark ahead.
each day it gets darker and darker.
till the extend where im going to lose myself.
i’ll be unable to see, unable to feel.
must i, should i and could i?

The heart made of metal shall never be penetrated.

i need to learn.
there are a lot of things i need to learn.
but the problem with me is i don’t learn even after i bleed.
so i just keep bleeding, keep bleeding…

A heart of metal do not bleed.

it’s hard to explain.
its gonna be harder because this little sacred place of mine
will no longer be able, be safe enough to protect my little secret.

tougue tied;
soon enough you’ll see.

reciprocity norm

am now mugging through my notes.
something in the notes caught me thinking for a while.
here to share with you.

 

‘If you love those who love you,
what right have you to claim any credits?
I say to you, love your enemies” (Matthew 5:46, 44)

 

okay. i seriously is running out of time now.
back to altruism.
and yes, i seriously need some help now. =\

let me look at the time now.
its 1pm.
and im gonna bet with you that i won’t start studying until to like 3 or 4pm?
how much are you willing to bet with me? -.-

whatever.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR YOU GUYS!
which one do you want to hear first?
okay lah, good news first..

IM 50% DONE AND 50% AWAY FROM MY LONG AWAITED HOLIDAYS

bad news is…

I HAVE FUCKING 2 MORE PAPERS!!!!!

argh. irritating.
i cant wait for EOE.
im surprised no one asked me whats EOE.
don’t tell me you guys already know..
hmm. its END OF EXAM lah!

psychology psychology psychology.
its all turning us mad.
and really lame and full of bullshit. <– seriously!

omg. im wasting time now as if i have all the time in the world.
the best thing is, i don’t give a shit.
and the main thing is im lazy. (:

ending off with a stupid joke which pearlyn said today.
(you can infer that as a evidence of what psychology has done to us)

“you know why hello kitty shouldn’t be called hello kitty?”
“because it cant say hello.”

i know the weather is very cold nowadays
sorry if i made you freeze.
i will help you whack this friend of mine. (:

 

feel the rush.

 

-edited-
how much is too much?
just like how close is how close?

time bomb

long and useless post ahead.
i just need to blog it out before i explode.